Depression & Anxiety

Depression is something I have lived with my whole adult life. It’s not fun. It’s not easy. It feels like watching everyone walk, run, or drag themselves past you while you are chained to a boulder that needs to be dragged along to get where you’re going. You end up where everyone else is but it takes more effort and leaves less energy for everything other than the journey.

Meanwhile, anxiety is like watching everyone get to that place and feeling them laugh at you for taking longer or get upset that you’re not there. Even though, in reality, everyone is cheering you on and looking forward to when you get there.

I was medicated once, I hated it. I still feel the effects of whatever those pills did to me. They didn’t make me happy, they didn’t make me less anxious, they made me empty, unable to feel much of anything. It was like the weight I drag and the judgement I face were pushed to the background. I couldn’t feel them as much but they were still there, I just didn’t care.

Now, I live with the rollercoaster. Sometimes the rock is lighter and I can carry it easily, sometimes I can see the people urging me on. And sometimes I reach the next bend and that rock becomes a mountain and I can’t move at all.

I’ve been on the up side for a good while, able to hold my rock and smile back at people, recognizing that they are happy that I’m there. However, tonight I can’t sleep. The rock is getting big and the people are about to be upset about things I have done or not done.

It takes a lot to keep dragging that rock around but I’m not ready to quit yet. I just need to slow down and breathe a bit.